


There and back

by loveliestskeleton



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Photographer Dean Winchester, Poet Castiel (Supernatural), Post-Break Up, Romance, Sad, Smut, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28716507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveliestskeleton/pseuds/loveliestskeleton
Summary: Dean Winchester ran from his past for a reason. He wanted to forget the beautiful blue eyed man he fell in love with but when he starts to dig up his past he is forced to deal with things he kept buried
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury/Ruby, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Ellen Harvelle/Bobby Singer, Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. Breath

Deep breaths. That was all Dean Winchester had to do before he left his small cozy house with his girlfriend Lisa. He was going into the city which was a rare occasion but he needed to get some things that he couldn't get in the small suburb of upstate New York. Ever since he lost him all those years ago; he always mentally prepared himself for going into the city. It was easier especially if they were ever to cross paths. A while back he could have sworn, he saw him but he ran so fast there was no getting a good look.

"What time do you think you'll be home?" Lisa asked him looking up from her current sewing project.

"I was hoping before dinner but it all depends on traffic," he kissed her gently

Lisa nodded going back to her project. "Love you."

"Yeah, love you too," he said softly pulling on his brown leather jacket. It was worn and clearly well used but he loved it.

Once he had his keys in his hands, he closed the door and went to his car. His baby. She was a beautiful 1967 black Chevy Impala 327 and he loved her. He considered her his pride and joy. Grabbing his box of mixed he started flipping through them when he saw one, he thought he had gotten rid of. It was titled Cas and Dean's epic mixtape 2010. God. That was ten years ago. It had been ten years since he saw Cas face to face. Often, he wondered what became of the person who had meant the world to him. Sure, he could always track him down through social media or something like that but he had a feeling Cas probably blocked him on everything or wouldn't want to hear from him.

Sighing heavily, he shook his head. What was he thinking? They were over and a part of him dreaded running into Cas in fucking New York City. No way should he reach out. Plus, what would he say? What could he say? It would be of no use. Not at all.

Instead of digging himself into a hole of thinking about Cas he put in a safe mixtape. One he made when he was a teenager. It was something he could sing along to and play loud. The city was about an hour away from home so he had plenty of time to relax and go over the mental list again.

Soon enough he was in the city and with some form of luck he found a parking space with ease. He got out of his car and started walking. Early Christmas shopping was what he had in plan for today. Granted it was early November but he didn't wanna be the dumbass last minute shopping. He had made that mistake more than he would like to admit.

After he hit up a few stores he went to his younger brother Sam's apartment and texted. It was 12:45 I'm outside your place. Wanna grab lunch?

Roughly two minutes later Sam replied Be down soon dude

Just as promised Sam was down in less than a minute. "So, any idea of where you want to go?"

"I was thinking Chinatown we could go on the subway," Dean suggested

Sam nodded walking with Dean to the subway station near his apartment talking about his latest work he was doing at the natural history museum. Dean didn't understand most of the stuff Sam talked about but he knew he was proud of his little brother. Dean had gone to school for photography and was lucky enough to get a job at the New York Times but once he met Lisa and moved in with her, he started working at a family portrait studio. It wasn't where his passion was but it paid the bills along with Lisa's job as a nurse at the local clinic in their town.

"Oh shit," Dean said when they stopped by a bookstore "Lisa's niece wants the Harry Potter series. I'm gonna grab it."

"Are you sure? Those are heavy books man," Sam pointed out

Dean rolled his eyes "I ain't weak Sammy besides if I carry your drunk ass into bed, I can carry seven books through New York."

"Touché," Sam laughed putting his hands up going in first.

Dean followed and that was when he saw the display of new releases along with their best sellers. It was a collection of poetry by Castiel Novak. The title was simple "Green eyes and goodbyes." Of course, it was a rhyme. Cas always did like them. It was a bad idea but he picked up the book looking at the cover of two green eyes looking back at them the underneath was a silhouette of two men. One was standing looking at the other one who was running off. It was obvious who was who.

He carried the book then went to the kids' section buying the Harry Potter books. There were easy to find. Of course, he felt guiltily not buying them secondhand but it was easier and he would donate more to a trans charity when he got home.

At the checkout, the girl picked up the poetry book "Oh this is quite popular. It's so nice seeing LGBTQ+ writers get the attention they deserve especially when they're as talented as him."

"Yeah," Dean agreed. He knew how talented Cas was. Fuck. He read a lot of his poems but that was so long ago when they were both only 21. There was no doubt in his mind that Cas had gotten even better if that was even possible.

Putting the poetry book in one of the other shopping bags he grabbed the Harry Potter boxset and found Sam in the history section of the store.

"Are you almost ready to go Sammy?" He asked his brother. His body felt all hot and prickly with anxiety. It was like he just committed a crime when he bought just a book. However, he knew it wasn't just a book. No. It meant so much more to him. It was his former boyfriend's thoughts and feelings. Even though it would hurt he would read every single poem and see exactly what Cas was feeling.

"Give me five more minutes," Sam replied

Dean rolled his eyes going over to a chair and he took the poetry book out. He read the dedication page: To the man with green eyes and freckles. I miss you everyday but thank you for loving me.

He could feel his heart sink and he quickly shoved the book in his bag getting up. Instead of facing what he was feeling he went to look for his brother. Eventually, he found Sam at the front buying a stack of books.

"Yeah, and you gave me shit for carrying these," Dean scoffed.

Sam shook his head "Well it's different. These aren't too big to carry."

Dean rolled his eyes walking with Sam to the subway station. It didn't take long for the subway to show up once they got through to the platform. Dean didn't say anything to his brother as his fingers held onto the book. The book he would read no matter how much it hurt him. Fuck. He had to do this.

The restaurant they went to wasn't too busy thankfully they had missed the lunch rush. He ordered some chicken noodle dish while Sam ordered some healthy crap that Dean thought looked like green slop.

"So how are things with Lisa?" Sam asked biting into the green.

Dean shrugged his shoulders "Good. We're good. Happy."

"Are you sure?" Sam asked

"Sammy I'm not gonna talk about this with you," he sighed.

"I'm sorry. Just I saw the book," Sam looked at the bags that were by Dean's feet.

Dean could feel his face getting hot and he wanted to run. Run as fast as he could just like he did when he was in his 20s. It was so much easier to just go and avoid the problems even if they came out in other ways.

"Drop it okay? No more talking about this or him," Dean started digging into his food.

Just like the conservation ended. Sam paid the bill once they finished which Dean didn't argue with. On the way back to Sam's apartment Dean took the book out it flipping it over his hands. It had a paragraph about Cas and like an idiot, he read it:

Castiel Novak is a poet and creative writing teacher at a community center near where he lives in New York City. This is his first collection of poems that tell of a relationship he had during some of his college career. Currently, Castiel is planning out a new book as well as tending to his two cats. If you would like to contact Castiel for a book signing or have him speak at an event email him

The email was listed and Dean was so tempted to email him.

Dean held the book close to his chest as he walked off the subway with his bags and boxset in the other hand. He followed Sam to his apartment. Without any words, both brothers went inside and upstairs to the place Sam called home. Of course, there were books everywhere in the small living room. Then Dean saw it. A copy of Cas's poems.

"You knew he wrote a book and didn't tell me?" Dean asked his brother looking at him

Sam was currently in the kitchen making tea for himself "I didn't think you would want to know. You always hated it when I brought him up in the past. I'm sorry."

Dean nodded "Well next time my ex writes a book of poems about our past relationship you tell me."

"Okay," Sam said quietly and that was that.

By the time Dean got to his car it was starting to get dark and he sighed heavily texting Lisa: I'll be a little later than I planned. Save me some dinner

She replied quickly: Okay. Drive safe babe

Dean put his phone away then got into his car. He started driving but he didn't drive home. No. He went to his old neighborhood. It was still the same. He smiled slightly seeing the apartment he used to call home with Castiel and Sam. It was different back then. He was different back then.

After a few more minutes of thinking about things, he started the drive back home. He hummed along to the music. It was a peaceful drive once he got out of the city and into the less busy area of where he lived with Lisa. Soon enough he was home when it was just about 7.

He climbed out of the car carrying the bags then he locked the car going inside. It was warm and Lisa was sitting on the couch reading one of her romance novels. Dean never understood the appeal of those but to each their own.

"Hey," he said kissing her gently.

She smiled stroking his cheek "Hey yourself. Were you successful in your shopping?"

Dean nodded holding up the boxset "I think Charlotte will be happy with me."

"Oh perfect! You're smart for getting everything done early," she hummed

"Well," Dean said, "I made the mistake of buying everything last minute more than once."

"I think we're all guilty of that my love," she laughed before going back to her book.

Dean nodded putting the gifts away in their shared closet. He took the book out putting away it in his nightstand drawer. Later tonight once Lisa fell asleep, he would read it. It would be fine. She knew he had been with both men and women. Thankfully she didn't have a problem with it and even was aware of Cas. However, Dean had a strong feeling she would have an issue with him buying a book of poems written by his ex boyfriend. So, it was easier to keep it to himself.

When he stepped out of the bedroom, he saw Lisa had turned on the TV and there were two plates of meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans on the coffee table. It smelled wonderful. Her cooking always did.

"You didn't have to wait for me," he said softly sitting down on the couch.

"I know but I wanted to," she smiled

An ad for a bridal shop came on the screen and Lisa was deeply invested watching. Dean bit his lip hard but started eating hoping that he wouldn't have to deal with any more awkward conversations but of course, he wouldn't be so lucky.

"Dean?" she asked playing with her "Do you want to get married?"

It was something he knew was on her mind. A lot of her friends have gotten married in the past three years since they started dating and some were even popping out kids. She was 28 so she wasn't old but he knew she wanted to marry him. "Yeah Lis. Someday."

She smiled her beautiful soft smile he always adored. He could marry her and be happy. They were good together. At least he hoped so. Even though he would never admit it out loud part of him always wondered what would have happened if he had never run from Cas. Would they still be together?

After he washed the dishes, he took a shower with Lisa. He was gentle with her as he cleaned her body and washed her dark hair. She had him lean down so she could wash his hair in return. It was a soft form of intimacy. The kind that wouldn't always end up leading to sex but if it did that would be okay too.

This time it did. She was on her back looking up at him as he rubbed her clit making her moan and her hips move with his thrusts. God. She was so beautiful like this. Her mouth was open and her hair was sprawled against the pillows with her legs spread wide for him. Only him. When they both came, he pulled out lying down next to her pulling her slender body into his arms.

Once the condom was thrown away and they were both in pajamas he held her close to him running his fingers through her hair getting her to sleep with ease. As soon as she had been asleep for a little over an hour, he got up from the bed taking the book from his nightstand.

He went into the living sitting in one of the chairs and turned on the lamp next to him. It took him a few moments of deep breaths but eventually, he opened it. After he looked at the dedication page for a minute before reading the first poem that was titled "The first time I saw him."

I saw him for the first time in Central Park while he was taking photographs

He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen

I had gone to get some writing down for my class but he caught my attention

With some form of bravery, I went and spoke with him

We hit it off and went to get coffee

Even though I haven't seen him in years I know for a fact he is still beautiful.

Dean felt tears fill his eyes but he kept reading. Each poem was more amazing than the last but each made him feel full of regret. God. He missed Cas so much. The final poem was titled "The last time I saw him." Dean wanted to stop reading but like a fool, he did read it

The last time I saw him was ten years ago

We had a fight as couples often do but this one was bigger

It was something we needed to calm down from but instead, he ran

He ran from me and everything we had

It hurt

In fact, it still does hurt

I miss him every day

If he ever does read this, I hope he knows I forgive him

Closing the book, he couldn't breathe he grabbed his phone and called Sam. It was late but knowing Sam he was awake reading a book or writing a paper.

"Dean? It's nearly two am. Are you okay?" Sam asked clearly worried for his older brother.

"I," Dean took a deep breath looking down at the book "I finished the book, Sammy."

"Oh," Sam said "Just keep doing your breathing. Do you want me to come over tomorrow while Lisa is at work?"

"Yeah," Dean whispered

"Okay, I will. Do you need me to stay on the phone with you?" Sam asked

"No," Dean said, "I'll be fine."

"Alright. Get some rest dude," Sam said hanging up

Dean closed his eyes tightly rubbing them. He eventually calmed down and got up putting the book away again but this time in his bag for work. Then he climbed back into bed with Lisa but he didn't fall asleep. Instead, he started overthinking everything. He loved Lisa he did. She was everything he could possibly want. Still, he wondered about Cas. Things would have been so different if he hadn't run away and he knew that. He couldn't just get up and leave Lisa. She deserved better but she should always be with someone who wasn't full of guilt and regret for a relationship that was slipped away ten years ago. It was becoming too much to bear.

So he pushed those thoughts away opening his eyes to watch Lisa sleep for a few minutes. She ended up cuddling him with her arms wrapped around his waist. He closed his eyes doing his best to fall asleep but it took him a while.

His dreams were filled with Cas, the smell of old photographs, hands on hips, warm kisses, and other things. Things he had done his best not to think about for the past ten years. He rolled onto his side in his sleep without realizing and his body turned away from Lisa's.


	2. Tears

The next morning Dean woke up to Lisa rustling around. She was getting ready for her shift. He smiled slightly getting himself into a sitting position. Her lips kissed his and she handed him a mug of coffee. It was so wonderfully domestic. God. He loved this life but part of him always wondered what his life would have been like if he had never run from Cas. These thoughts had come up time and time again but they have gotten more prominent ever since he read Cas’s poetry book. 

“You said his name in your sleep last night,” Lisa told him brushing her hair

Dean gulped looking at her “Shit. I’m sorry.”

“No babe,” she shook her head “It’s okay. I understand. He was a big part of your life. It’s only natural that you dream about him sometimes.”

Slowly Dean got up from the bed and hugged her around the waist. He placed his head on her shoulder kissing her neck gently “Thank you.”

She turned her face so she could kiss him “Of course.”

Soon she was gone and Dean was alone with his thoughts. Sam said he would be over at 12 so Dean had time to kill. He could always go back to sleep considering it was 8:15 but instead he went into the living sitting down on the couch. Sighing he turned on the TV flipping through the channels mindlessly. He ended up settling on Good Morning America. It was safe and good background noise.

“Up next we have an interview with our new favorite poet Castiel Novak!” Robin Roberts announced smiling widely.

Dean felt his heart stop right then and there. He shouldn’t watch this. No. He should change the channel but he didn’t. Instead, he just sat perfectly still watching the TV waiting as advertisements flashed by on the screen. 

Then the show was back and Cas was on there. He was smiling the very same smile that Dean fell in love with. His eyes were still just as blue with those gorgeous eyelashes. His dark hair was cut nicely and his skin still had that sun kissed tan look to it. He was wearing a black button with an olive green sweater over it and a pair of jeans with black loafers. Wow. He looked good. Dean shouldn’t be surprised Cas had always taken good care of himself. It had been ten years since he saw Cas and he still felt something. That was bad.

“Welcome back! I’m here with Castiel Novak. Castiel, please tell us about yourself and your book,” Robin prompted letting Cas take the lead.

“Hello well, my name is Castiel Novak as the lovely Robin said. I’m the writer of the book Green eyes and goodbyes,” Cas spoke “It took me ten years to put together the book during that time I worked as a creative writing teacher for teenagers at the local community center as well as a local bookstore and other odd jobs. However, writing has always been my passion. The book has poems I wrote during a relationship I had during my last year of college with another man who meant a lot to me.”

“Wonderful. Are you still in touch with this man at all?” Robin asked

Cas shook his head “No. I do miss him and think of him often but we haven’t spoken since I was 21. Though I hope wherever he is he’s doing well and still taking photographs.”

Dean couldn’t help but smile slightly at Cas’s words. He leaned back against the couch as he kept listening.

“Oh, that’s a shame,” Robin frowned “Well as a member of the LGBTQ community I find your book very important especially for younger people struggling with their sexuality or heartbreak. Was that your original intention?”

“Not at first but my best friend Charlie went over the book with me before I tried to get it published and told me how it could people like us. She’s a lesbian and the best woman I know.”  
Robin smiled at this “It sounds like you have good people in your life who support you. What was your family’s reaction to the book?”

Cas sighed but he answered Robin “My family aside from my brother aren’t accepting of me but thankfully Charlie’s parents have always treated me as their son.”

“I’m so sorry to hear about your family but I’m glad you have a chosen family,” Robin nodded  
“I am too. They are simply the best people,” Cas smiled

“Before you go would you like to read a poem from your book?” Robin asked

“I’d be honored to,” Cas cleared his throat and picked up the copy of his book he had in his hands flipping to a random page “This one is called ‘The first and last kiss’” Taking a deep breath Cas started reading 

“We kissed for the first time in his living room

His hands touched me everywhere making my body crave his touch more than it ever wanted anything

It was like we had galaxies inside of each other that finally came together after years of being apart

The day we kissed for the last time I had no idea it would be our last kiss

It was different from our kisses 

Slow and there was pain behind it

Pain that at the time I couldn’t place

Then he left and finally I was able to place the pain.”

Dean turned off the TV because he couldn’t handle it anymore. He had broken Cas’s heart. It was his fault that the man he had loved more with everything in him was hurting. His eyes closed as he sobbed quietly holding himself in an effort to keep himself together. He sat down on the floor as he cried. His entire body was shaking and he couldn’t find a way to stop. God. It was moments like this where he wished he had never left. 

Eventually, he was able to stop crying and stood up going into the kitchen to fix himself a snack before Sam came over. He looked through everything before deciding on a protein bar. It was better than nothing. Checking the time on the stove he realized it was nearly 11. He cried and broke down for nearly three hours. It was hard to believe but he didn’t dwell on it.

While he waited for Sam, he paced the small house but that grew boring fast. He went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Even though he had showered last night he could use one. He stripped off his pajamas stepping under the warm water. Sighing he leaned against the title wall closing his eyes.

“God I’m so stupid,” he sighed.

It was going to get harder and he knew that. His mind kept the same stream of thoughts.   
Thoughts of Cas that he had done his best not to think for ten years. Buying the book was a bad idea and watching the interview didn’t help either. Yet again Cas was becoming the main focus of his mind.

Shaking his head, he stepped out of the shower drying his body off with a clean fluffy towel and he walked into the bedroom. He got dressed in a Led Zeppelin t-shirt, jeans, and a red and black flannel. It was something he felt he comfortable and safe in. 

He made his way into the living room and he sat down on the couch waiting for Sam to show up. Thankfully it was almost 12 so Sam would be there soon enough. His hands picked at the skin around his fingernails which was an awful habit he did his best not to do anymore.

Sam unlocked the door exactly at 12. “Hey.”

Dean looked at his brother “Sometimes I forget that I gave you a key.”

“Whoops,” Sam replied taking his shoes off sitting down next to his brother. “How are you doing?”

“Not great. I can’t get him out of my head Sam,” Dean whispered “He was on Good Morning America and I watched it. It was a bad idea.”

Sam placed a gentle hand on Dean’s shoulder “Well what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. Part of me wants to reach out to him and another part of me wants to keep everything locked away because it’s easier,” Dean sighed heavily 

“Honestly Dean the second option didn’t work for you I think you have to face this. Either by contacting him or talking about it with a therapist,” Sam told his brother  
Dean took a few deep breaths. Maybe if he saw Cas again, he could finally let him go emotionally and move on. That would be a good idea. At least he hoped it would be. He got up from the couch going to his room getting the book from his bedside table drawer. It felt so heavy despite being a paperback.

He sat back down next to Sam “Okay I’m gonna email him,” his voice was shaking.  
Sam started rubbing Dean’s back in an effort to help his older brother calm down. “You still love him.”

“I don’t know Sammy. It’s easier to pretend I don’t and that I never did but I find myself wondering what would have happened if I never ran,” Dean looked down. “I feel like I’m cheating on Lisa for having these thoughts.”

“Dean it’s okay. You don’t have to figure out everything at once,” Sam said gently “However if he is to you what Eileen is to me you have to let Lisa go. It’s not fair to her.”  
“Yeah. You’re right,” Dean whispered getting his phone taking more deep breaths than he had in a long time. 

Pulling up his Gmail account he started the email to Cas once he placed the email address into the to box:  
Cas,

I’m not sure if you want to hear from me. If you don’t that’s okay just please know I’m so sorry for everything.

If you do, I would love to get coffee with you and catch up.

Take care,

Dean.

It was a short and simple email but it felt like Dean had ripped his guts out leaving them on display for Cas to see and exam them. After pressing send he wanted to scream but instead, he just leaned against Sam staying quiet.

Just like yesterday they had lunch together but didn’t bring Cas up once.

“I’m going to propose to Eileen soon,” Sam told Dean the both of them were sitting on the couch again watching one of Dean’s favorite movies to cheer him up.

“Really?” Dean smiled widely “That’s huge man. I’m happy for you.”

Sam smiled softly “Will you be my best man?”

“Is that even a question? Of course, I will,” Dean laughed.  
The rest of the afternoon was one of the best ones Dean had in a while. He started making dinner around 5:45 knowing Lisa would be home around 6. Turning on the radio he decided to make pasta with meat sauce. It was good comfort food that he could definitely use.

Just as he predicted Lisa came home just after 6 but she was so quiet. She walked into the kitchen getting a glass of water before going into the living room. Dean noticed something was wrong right away and he left the kitchen walking over to her. It was the way she carried herself. Usually, she walked confidently with a spring in her step but now she looked like she was about to breakdown at any moment.

"Lisa is everything okay?" He asked looking at her.

She shook her head "We need to talk. Can you sit down with me?"

Dean bit his lip hard sitting down on the couch and she did the same. At first, she didn't speak instead she took her hair out of the bun she wore for work. Her eyes looked at the floor then back at Dean but reminded silent. 

The tension in the room set Dean's teeth on edge. What happened? Had he done something wrong? Did she find the book? Oh, God.

"I guess I should just say it but I'm pregnant," she whispered

Dean felt his blood run cold and he couldn't move. Pregnant. They were always safe and used   
protection. No. This had to be a mistake.

"How?" He asked looking at her trying to process her words.

"I don't know Dean. It just happened. We didn't plan for this but it'll be okay," Lisa assured him.

This time it was his turn to be quiet as he got up from the couch and grabbed his keys. “I need to go,” he whispered running out the front door. Going over to his car he got in and started driving not caring where he was going. 

This was bad. Very bad. He was considering seeing the person he had once love with every fiber of his being and now his girlfriend was pregnant with his child. Fuck. It was so much to deal with. Too much. He turned on the radio blasting the music trying not to have a breakdown as he drove. What was he supposed to do? If Cas said yes, he couldn’t just blow him off like that. It would be an awful thing to do especially after running from him. 

Sighing heavily, he pulled his car to the side of the road and started crying. He wrapped his arms around himself as he rocked his body trying to find out what he was supposed to do. Maybe he should call Sam or his friend Jo however he didn’t. For a moment he thought about ditching everything going far away but that wouldn’t be right.  
even though he was scared out of his mind he forced himself to stop crying. He wasn’t going to leave his kid. That was the last thing he was going to do. Of course, he might not end up with Lisa but he wanted to be there for the both of them as best he could.

Once his head was clear enough, he drove back home. He had fucked up. Lisa would probably want to talk things out so he prepared himself for that. The both of them would figure it out even if it meant not being together anymore. He sighed parking the car getting out. It was time to face it head on.

When he walked back into the house, he felt incredibly guilty. He was going to be a father and his response to his pregnant girlfriend was to run. His heart was pounding in his chest but he was calmer now.

Lisa wasn't in the living room or the kitchen. He took a deep breath going into the bedroom. She was lying on the bed with the blankets pulled over her body with just her head sticking out.

"I am so sorry," Dean whispered sitting down on the bed looking down at his lap. He was an awful boyfriend. This was one of the worst things he had ever done to someone he loved if not the worst.

Lisa sighed heavily pulling the blankets down "Dean. I'm not mad but I'm scared too. I thought I'd be married before this happened. Just it hurt because I had no idea if you were coming back or not. What's wrong? You used to be more honest about your feelings."

Dean didn't know what to say without sounding pathetic but finally, he turned to look at Lisa. Her eyes were red and puffy. That was because of him and his own stupid actions. "I don't wanna be like my dad," he whispered closing his eyes tightly. “That’s why I’m scared Lis.”

He felt arms wrap around him and a kiss on his temple "You won't Dean. You're more of a man than he ever will be. Look at everything you've done for Sam and how amazing he's doing now. You’re so good with my niece and my friends’ kids. I know you'll be the best dad for your kid. That is the one thing I can promise you."

Deep down he knew she was right but it was so hard to believe her. After everything he went through as a child and a young adult, he couldn't believe he'd be good at parenting. Sure, he raised Sam but that was under less than ideal circumstances.

"Babe," Lisa whispered rubbing his shoulders "Talk to me please if you're comfortable with it."

Dean shook his head "I can't right now Lis. It's just too hard right now."  
She kissed his cheek but didn't say anything else as he let her hold him. In all honesty, Lisa was better than he deserved. She was far too kind to him. Everything he told her she did her best to understand and not pass judgment.

It was quiet for a while and Dean just kept his eyes closed trying to stay calm listening to her steady breathing.  
Finally, she spoke again. “Well just so you know I’m keeping the baby. If you don’t wanna be in their life that’s okay.”

Dean shook his head “No Lis I won’t leave our kid. Even if we weren’t together anymore. That’s not fair to them or you.”

Lisa didn’t say anything. Instead, she just kissed him wrapping her arms around his neck.   
He pulled her close to him kissing back keeping the kiss soft and gentle. Just like the night before it led to something more.

When they finally went to bed, he kept his arms wrapped around her with a hand on her stomach feeling a sense of pride that they had made a tiny human together. Even if that human wasn’t planned, he already loved them and he knew he would be a better father than he and Sam were given. No matter what happened he would be there for them through it all. Then his mind started to wander to Cas but he didn’t linger there for long. Instead, he closed his eyes praying that sleep would come soon.


	3. Guilt

When the next morning came Dean woke up before Lisa did. He had barely slept the night before but he couldn't be bothered to worry about it. Sighing he went into the bedroom brushing his teeth humming slightly. Today was going to be a good day no matter what happened. He had to believe that. Even if his mind did wander to thoughts of Cas, he would be fine.

Once he got his teeth cleaned, he went back to the bedroom. Lisa was just waking up stretching her body. He smiled softly at her before going to the kitchen and started making breakfast. The past few days were shit for the both of them so he decided to make pancakes, bacon, and eggs. It was good comfort food. Something that was definitely needed.

Lisa walked into the kitchen wrapping her arms around his waist. It made him feel safe but he still longed for it to be Cas's touch. Shaking his head, he did his best to focus on the food he was making.

“Dean I was thinking we could maybe go to the city at some point for dinner this Friday. We haven’t had a date night in a while,” she said softly

"Yeah," he agreed. It was true. The both of them didn't really go on dates. All they would do is watch shows or movies in the house and eat meals together. It was so blissfully domestic but he couldn't blame her for wanting to go out and do things together.

"It'll be fun for us," she whispered kissing his cheek before going sit down at the kitchen table

Dean nodded staying quiet. He felt bad for not making a bigger effort and the fact that he couldn't do everything she wanted. Fuck. He couldn't be the person she needed at the end of the day. Especially not when he was still thinking of Cas. That wasn't okay. She deserved so much better.

His stomach felt twisted in knots. So much for a good day. He would never be able to get rid of his thoughts about Cas until he saw the guy again. Then again how could he put everything behind him? He had been doing that for years but now it was rearing its ugly head. All those memories were flooding back.

Memories he tried desperately to shove deep down. They were kept locked away for a reason. Never becoming a part of his life again.

He turned to look at Lisa and he felt nothing but love for her. However, it wasn't the type of love he felt when he had been with Cas.

When he was with Cas it felt natural, right, and safe but with Lisa, it didn't feel like that. No. It was like he was constantly pretending to be something he wasn't. Sure, he was still bisexual but he was still in love with Cas. It was the one thing he knew was true.

However, today wouldn't be the day he would break Lisa's heart. He would stay with her until he felt the time was right. It was going to hurt her but it had to be done.

Breakfast was good but he didn't speak to her. When they were both finished, she cleaned up washing the dishes. He smiled slightly but didn't stay at the table for too long before standing.

Going into the bedroom he changed into his work clothes. Thankfully he didn't have to wear a uniform just dress nice and look presentable. It was another cold November day so he put on a black T-shirt, green and black flannel with jeans. He pulled on his favorite leather jacket before leaving the room.

Lisa was fixing her hair in the hallway mirror "Have a good day babe!"

"You too," he mumbled grabbing his car keys going outside.

When he got into his car, he put his face in his hands sighing quietly. Everything felt too much. Heavy. It felt as though the world was resting on his shoulders. His eyes closed tightly and he tried to relax. There was no way he could go into work like this especially when his friend Jo would ask him more questions than he could answer.

Once he was okay enough to pretend like everything was fine, he turned on his car. He started driving going to work. Thankfully the drive was short so he wouldn't be alone with his thoughts for too long.

When he walked into the small studio, he breathed a small sigh of relief. It was quiet and Ellen his boss was setting everything up. She flashed a smile when she saw Dean and with a slight effort, he smiled back.

"How are you today honey?" She asked

Dean shrugged clocking in on the work computer "I'm good. Just a lot is going on."

"Care to share?" Her voice was soft and gentle using the motherly tone she often used for him

"Not right now but if I need to, I'll let you know," he promised

She nodded kissing the top of his head.

Jo came running in wearing her wavy blonde hair in two braids when she hugged Dean "Why the long face?"

"Too many reasons to get into but I'm okay. Please don't worry about me. Seriously," Dean bit his lip

Jo made a face before clocking in herself. She didn't take photographs. Instead, her job was to answer the phone and set up appointments with clients. Sometimes she would frame pictures or put them in envelopes

Dean went into the back room and waited for his first customer to arrive. He looked down at the photographs that were taken over the weekend. Ellen always made the pictures look amazing but she praised his work more.

"Hello," a voice spoke.

He turned his head looking at a beautiful young woman with dark hair. Her lips were curved into a small smile and she had beautiful blue eyes. Eyes that were so similar to Cas's.

"Hi. Can I help you?" He asked

"Yes. I'm your first appointment. Mia," she held her hand out

"Oh right," Dean shook her hand gently "You wanted photos done for your website."

She nodded sitting down on the couch that he kept for his clients. Taking a deep breath, he looked over at her again. She was very lovely with pale skin, blue eyes, and dark hair. Wow. She could Cas's sister but knew she wasn't. Cas had one sister named Anna but he hadn't seen her in years either.

"Do you have a specific aesthetic you want to go for?" He asked grabbing his camera. It wasn't often he photographed one person so he was treating her similar to how he would treat his old photography models back in college.

She smiled slightly "A nice soft and simple one, I guess. I'm a graphic designer and I'd like my clients to know what I look like plus my background before hiring me."

"I can do that," he smiled "Do you want to use the green screen?"

"Oh yes," she laughed standing up walking over to him, and sat down on the stool he mostly took the pictures on.

He deiced on a cloud background before setting up the green screen. Taking pictures of her was rather fun. She was able to do plenty of different poses with different facial expressions. Then they were finished and he showed her the pictures on the computer.

Mia picked out the ones she liked best.

"Great. All together it'll be 25 dollars. Ellen will have you pay up at the front then I'll email and print the pictures out. It's always good to keep the hard copies," he smiled softly

She nodded writing down her email "Would you like to get dinner together sometime? I know that's rather bold of me but you're very attractive and I noticed no ring. So, shooting my shot I guess."

Dean felt his face grow hot looking down at his shoes "I'm flattered really but I have a girlfriend with a baby on the way. Thank you though."

"Well, that was embarrassing. Thanks for taking pictures of me. I'll definitely use them and credit your wonderful studio in one of the sections," she promised before leaving.

Dean sighed taking a deep breath. He closed his eyes tightly squeezing his hands together before deciding to call Sam before his next appointment.

Of course, Sam picked up right away "Hey. Are you doing okay?"

"Not really no. Can I tell you something important?" He asked sitting down

"Always dude. What's up?" His younger brother's voice was full of concern

"Lisa's pregnant. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm not gonna be the asshole that leaves my kid but I can't keep pretending I love her like that. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me. Plus, it sure as hell ain't fair to our kid," Dean sighed leaning back

"Well, Dean I think you know what you have to do. You have to be honest with Lisa and gently break up with her. It's better to do it sooner than later. It'll be okay and if needed you can stay with me or we'll go apartment hunting. Things will work out," Sam told him

Dean nodded thanking his brother before hanging up. He had to go on with his day as much as he could.

Taking pictures helped him calm down even if it was of simple things. Families, couples, and one couple that was expecting their first child together. That made his heart ache.

When he wasn't with his clients he hung out with Jo. It was another good distraction. He didn't tell her about Lisa or anything else. They just talked about easy things. It did help a lot.

When work ended, he grabbed his keys putting his jacket back on. He always took it off during work.

"Bye, Dean! Drive safe honey!" Ellen called to him as she put things away.

"I will. See you guys tomorrow," he promised as he left the studio going to his car.

As Dean drove home, he found his mind drifting to somewhere it rarely went. The car accident. It happened about a year since he left Cas. His car had slipped on ice and spurn out of control before flipping over on the edge of the road.

Shivering slightly, he parked on the side of the road remembering things that he tried to avoid. He could feel the pain he felt that night. The blood was everywhere in the impala. He didn't like to think about it. It was just another part of his life he wanted to keep buried. Things would be so much easier if he kept them shoved down but it wasn't working anymore.

That was why he was thinking of Cas and other past events. He gripped the stirring wheel tightly taking a deep breath before he started driving again.

Home meant Lisa and she could distract him but how long could he keep doing this? It was going to end badly. He knew that. Her heart was going to break if he went back to Cas. However, he couldn't keep stringing her along. That was something he definitely knew. It would hurt her a lot if he stayed when he didn't want to.

When he walked in the door, he considered telling her straight up that he was going to break up with her but she was sitting on the couch looking so beautiful. She always did. Even though they had been together for years he still couldn't believe she loved him. Especially when he was like this. He felt like he was putting walls up in an effort to keep her out. It was definitely easier than telling her it would be over someday.

His arms wrapped around her body as he hugged her tightly kissing her. God. Part of him wished he could be with her forever. They would be able to have a normal life with their child and get married but he knew that wasn't going to happen.

"Hey," she smiled running her fingers through his hair gently "How was work?"

Dean hummed at the soft and gentle touch "It was good. Took some pictures and hung out with Jo. How was your shift?"

It felt so mundane and normal. He knew it was what couples did. They talked about their days, went on dates, and did other things. Things he wished he was doing with Cas. Goddammit. There his brain went again.

"Oh, rather good. Told my boss about the baby so I'll be able to take parental leave once I have them," she nodded

"Yeah good," Dean said softly. He sat down next to her turning on the TV while she leaned against him slightly. Humming softly, he closed his eyes enjoying it while it lasted.

Later that night Lisa made dinner for the both of them which made Dean smile. She was a good person that was one of the main reasons why he didn't want to break her heart but he couldn't keep pretending. It was a constant record that was replaying in his mind. He knew soon enough he would have to let go no matter how painful it would be for the both of them but especially her.

They went to bed together that resulted in light kisses and touches but he didn't move it any further. It would send her mixed signals. His eyes closed and he yawned pretending to be tired when he wasn't. Not really. His body relaxed against hers. She wrote her arms around him pulling him close to her slender frame.

She kissed his forehead "Goodnight Dean. I love you."

"Love you too," Dean mumbled into her neck even though he knew it wasn't the kind of love she wanted from him. The guilt he felt was consuming him. It was awful.

Instead of saying anything else, he pretended to fall asleep with his head on her shoulder. He did love being held by his partners. Sure, it might be seen as a weakness but it always made him safe. That was a feeling he rarely felt growing up so getting it from the people he was with helped a lot. He would have fallen asleep if his mind wasn’t racing a million miles a minute

For a while he stayed still in bed with Lisa holding him until he knew for sure she had fallen asleep. He slowly untangled their bodies and grabbed his phone heading to the living room. Sleeping well was becoming a thing of the past nowadays.

He sat down on the couch scrolling through his pictures then he remembered he had emailed Cas. He knew it was a bad idea to look when he was already upset but he did it anyway. Taking a deep breath, he checked it. Cas had replied. Oh god. He took a few more deep breaths before clicking on the email.

Dean,

Wow, it's been so long. I never thought I hear from you again but I'd love to get together sometime.

Are the weekends good for you? I know you probably have work or something unless you're doing freelance work.

We could meet at our coffee place. You know the one Tessa runs. I hope you're doing well.

Cas

Dean felt his heart skip a beat. Cas wanted to see him. At their place, they used to go all the time after classes or just to have dates together. It was the first coffee place he ever took Cas to. The both of them always considered it their place and Tessa always adored them coming in. He wondered if she still worked there.

His eyes closed but he didn't relax. He could email Cas back. It would probably be a good idea. After he paced around the living room for about ten minutes, he replied telling Cas Saturday would be best and they could meet up at around 2.

He couldn't believe it. On Saturday he most likely be seeing the man he had once loved with all his heart. The man he still loved. Fuck. There was no going back now. Sighing he rubbed his face with his hands before he went back to bed. He curled up in the warm bed he didn’t look at Lisa but instead he turned his body staring at the wall.

He felt Lisa’s body press itself against his. There was another sinking feeling. He couldn’t do this much longer. That much he knew. God. He was going to break someone else’s heart. That was always one of the hardest things to do. If things were different, he would wrap her up in his arms holding her close like she did for him earlier but he didn’t. This was because things weren’t different. They were the way they were. It was true. Things never do go the way they should.

He started thinking way too much for it being nearly 12 am. Instead of thinking about Cas, he thought about the car accident that had left him a different person. He was more careful now and he had permeant scars on his skin that he hated. His body would randomly ache nowadays. His anxiety had become a lot worse yet another reason why he was so careful. He wasn’t the same person. What if Cas didn’t like the new him? His eyes closed tightly but he never did fall asleep.

Once his alarm went off, he climbed out of bed despite wanting nothing more than to stay in bed for the rest of the day. Strangely enough, he wasn’t worried about going to work with no sleep considering he had many sleepless nights in college. It would be fine.

He heard Lisa moving slightly waking up with the alarm. She smiled sleepily at him making him feel worse than he had earlier. It was a smile full of love and tenderness. He didn’t deserve that. Not from her. She was too good. He was not good at all.


End file.
